illusions.........

This past week I have continued my journey.  Sometimes my sessions were rewarding to me, others seemed like time spent doing something I should do - not always feeling that I wanted to be there.  Yet I remain steadfast in the belief that meditation, whatever form, is indeed something that I should do.  Therefore, I accept that not every session will seem meaningful at the time.

I understand from my reading that I may be led astray by what Zen masters call "Makyo" - illusions that we project on reality as an aid to escaping the 'directions'.  The directions being to simply breathe and be; or simply observe, breathe and be; or to simply move, breathe and be.  These illusions may manifest as sensations. A person may feel every sort of sensation - smells, touch, sound, light.  In fact, the Sutra lists 50 types of Makyo.  Masters caution not to become overly interested or involved with these sensations.  Roshi, a Zen teacher, said, "Makyo do not occur when you are dawdling, neither to they appear when your practice has ripened....They indicate the intensity of your concentration."  Saint Gregory of Sinai also warned against "visions" (a sensation - also a Makyo, although not in his language).  He called them fantasies.

Sometimes I experience sensations - Makyos, if you will.  I find them pleasant.  But I heed the Masters.  These are not the goal of meditation.  Likewise, coming to expect them may bring disappointment and cause me to lose sight of the fact that there is no end - no place where I will arrive one day and say "here I am - this is it".  Meditation is a time to be - and to remember that I am spirit.

mystery and magic............

"Many have no happier moments than those that they pass in solitude, abandoned to their own imagination, which sometimes puts sceptres in their hands....."  ~Johnson

Yesterday I ran across an old journal that I had written in but never filled all the pages.  For some reason I had put it on a shelf and forgot about it. On finding it I thought I should finish filling it.  I had not recorded anything since 2007.  A lot of time had passed.  I read one of my entries from August 2007 - five years ago. It seems I had done a meditation that summer morning on my patio.  I had been working in some kind of spiritual workbook and was contemplating the thought:  "What do you want?"  Interestingly, I really didn't know what I wanted.  I began to imagine what it is that I might really want.  I gave myself Reiki as I did this.  What I imagined on that morning I had no hope of attaining at that moment in time.  But now 5 years later I am astounded to find that I have attained exactly what I imagined on that summer morning 5 years before.  After all I have read about intention and energy I should know this is possible and I shouldn't be surprised.  But I am.  And that is probably just fine - it reminds me that there is still mystery and magic. Leonard Cohen said it well:  "God is afoot, magic is alive....magic never died."


And so I continue to journey in the mystery.  I practiced QiGong on Thursday - no feeling Qi, no fun, just moving through the motions.  On Friday I practiced yoga - the stretching and breathing felt wonderful.  Sitting afterward in lotus was serene.  On Saturday I practiced QiGong again and was able to feel the Qi moving - very pleasant.  Today my meditation was listening to Bach's Mass in B Minor. Nothing marvelous has happened..........no levitating, no apparition......just traveling on the road, wondering about magic and mystery.

meditating on Qi.....

Meditation is not only sitting in lotus position, eyes closed, incense burning, and chanting a mantra.  There are many ways to meditate:

• tai chi, qi gong or some other moving meditation
• reading a devotional or spiritual doctrine and meditating on it
• loving kindness meditation or vipassana
• Sufi dancing
• singing
• chanting

Ram Dass, a psychologist and spiritual teacher, in his book Journey of Awakening said, "If you begin with one of them, sooner or later you will probably want to integrate the others as well.  It makes no difference which technique you start with.  Try to sense what you're ready for and what you need.  Above all, be honest with yourself."

Good advice, I thought.  And so, today I lit a candle and sat down to meditate but realized that was not what I needed.  Instead I rose and did Qi Gong.  I practice a form called Qigong Shibashi which is very simple and only has 18 movements.  There are many other varieties but this one resonates with me.  Usually I can feel the Qi moving and I think that is important.  Today I felt myself moving through Qi and felt the Qi moving through me.  It is a delicious feeling and a lovely way to begin my day...........

"Does one really have to fret
About enlightenment?
No matter what road I travel,
I'm going home."
                             ~Shinsho

yesterday and today......

Yesterday I continued my practice.  Was it Day 1 again?  Perhaps so.  Rather than dwelling on that and all the negatives that it might contain I let it go like the smoke from my incense - which is pretty impressive for my usually obsessive mind.  I sat in session and nothing miraculous happened.  I just breathed in and out, again and again, until the session concluded with the bell of my timer.

Today I sat again breathing in and out but this time feeling a sense of peace and calm, despite the barking of my dog and being interrupted by it several times.  Yet I came back to the moment.  Eventually the stillness pervaded my being and I felt something undefinable.  I had to remind myself to breathe as what I really wanted to do was just remain motionless so as to try to understand what I was feeling.  Presently the feeling turned to something in my mind that looked and felt red.  I don't know how else to explain it.  I wondered what it could be but commanded myself to stop wondering and just breathe.  There was no epiphany but I do believe this color had something to do with my root chakra.  (this can be googled if you have no idea what I'm talking about).  It was a deep, blood red with some parts of it nearly black.  Red the color of rage and roses.  It did not feel like either.  It felt deep and comforting.

"The result is not the point; it is the effort to improve ourselves that is valuable.  There is no end to this practice."  ~ Shunryu Suzuki from Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

stumbling.............

"If you meditate regularly, even when you don't feel like it, you will make great gains, for it will allow you to see how your thoughts impose limits on you." ~ Ram Dass

Day 9 dawned with me feeling unwell.  Each hour I thought I would feel better the next hour.  This continued until the day was done.  So have I failed?  My head says yes.  But somewhere deep within I know that I must press on.  I ask again whether I have failed?  Perhaps not.  If you stumble on the path, is the journey over?  Indeed not.  I will pick myself up, brush myself off and begin again.......

imprisoned...........

So I managed 7 days of daily meditation.  But on Day 8 - a day with no demands, when several hours of free time stretched before me - I let the day slip by without a meditation session.  Huh?  What happened?  Ram Dass said in his book, "Journey of Awakening":  "Your resistances to meditation are your mental prisons in miniature."  I am left thinking that for all my feeling of freedom I was, in fact, imprisoned.  I am not sure why I forged these bars but I must accept that I did this - no one else.

I refuse to see this as a failure.  Instead I see this as a light shining in a dark place.

uneventful?............

nothing special in this morning's meditation session. uneventful. but continued in the work........trusting in the mystery........

i left my meditation this morning and moved onto the rigors of life -- a meeting, miles from my home, traffic, the stresses of an agenda, the chaos of greetings and reunions.  Regardless of the demands of my job, society, traffic patterns and traversing new terrain, I am able to enjoy the camaraderie of the group and ignore the agenda. Regardless of the demands of personalities different, stronger and spicier than my own I am able to enjoy the spirit of the occasion. Initially I rely on the agenda to move into the day , the meeting. But I find myself leaning into each personality, appreciating their differences, their sameness, their uniqueness.  I am impressed by each of their spirits.  I am moved by their words, their gifts.  I am honored to be in their presence.  I am honored to know them.  I am honored to serve them.  I find stillness in the simple pleasure of the present. I find ecstasy in their sharing - and they share so much: their experiences, their feelings, their wisdom........I am moved beyond words........

I wonder if the morning's meditation is really uneventful...................